disappointment.

So, just a couple of weeks ago I learned that some of the Micah Boys were coming to the United States, to THE Stl just to clarify. They were not just any Micah Boys. Two of them are my closest guy friends. The third like my little brother. I have not seen these guys in two years and have had only facebook and numerous phone calls to keep in contact with them. Let me tell you...I was ecstatic, a little nervous as well. I mean I have not seen these guys in forever. I KNOW I have changed on the inside and out. That date that I was going to get to see them was circled on every calendar that I had, every person that I came in contact with I told, even my roommate was going to come with me to see them. She was excited for me because she knew how much I missed them. Then one day, I got a text. "They are not coming anymore. Couldn't get their VISA's". Disappointment warped my heart. In response, I did what I usually do when I'm upset. I buried it. I was in the middle of one hell of a week with school so I just pushed it out and concentrated on school. A day later, one of the people that I consider my "sister" called me. I knew what she wanted to talk about. You see, they were not ALL not coming. The one, my little brother, was. My two best guy friends were not. My "sister" was really close to the one that was. So, as I answered the phone I felt myself feeling mad, agitated, annoyed. Mad that she would call me to talk about it when she knew that my guy friends were not coming. Agitated just because. And annoyed of how inconsiderate she was of my feelings. I than stopped myself. If I was a user of the F word (which I am not) I would definitely used it right then and there. What the Heck! I have no right to feel this. Who am I to be annoyed with her happiness!? If I was in her position, I would be feeling the same way. The reality of my selfishness wrapped itself around my brain. Man, am I selfish! I feel that I forget how sinful I really am and how undeserving I am of God's love and grace. I appreciate these little slaps of reality. Bitter/Sweet appreciation that is. So, I guess you could say as sad as I am that my friends are not coming, God has used this...I found out something.

I am selfish. really really really selfish.