AWWKKWAARDD!!

So, I am a awkward person. No, I do not have a awkward gait or anything like that. Really, somehow, situations situate themselves around me resulting in a "awkward moment". I do not know HOW they do it or WHY it happens so often to me. I just accept it as part of my awesome self. Okay so I guess I'll update you on some really AWKWARD situations that have occurred with me in the recent past. Today for example. My iPod broke and so I had to go painfully replace the money sucker thing. I'm at the store and I notice the greeter girl staring at me and doing the I-Know-You look. I thought maybe she was just critiquing my ragged attire (I was grass stained, clorox scented, and leafy. Not to mention that my hair was sticking out this way and that. eh,Whats new...) So, I kept on looking down, playing with those awesome earphone, and then i would look up. There she was. Staring away. She even did the smile thing. Well, I did not want to be rude and I went up to her and asked "Do you know me or something?" OF COURSE she did. She knew my name too. First AND Last. Apparently, we danced together my freshman year. Okay, first of all...HOW THE HECK DOES SHE STILL REMEMBER ME???!!! I do and did not remember one single person in that class. I did not even have a spark of recognition to who she was or how I knew her. It was a really awkward conversation. She told me about what was going on with people whose names I did not remember. I just acted like I did. Then, she said that we should catch up sometime. That took me aback. I honestly just did not remember her. Did we have a friendship? I do not even remember creating a single friendship in that cold, mirrored room (it was cold...always cold). It was just a little crazy portion of my life that I just blocked out. I said of course because it is not like I could be like "Weeellll, I don't know. I do not really want to bring up my past again so I am going to have to say no. Sorry!" Man, that was just awkward. Downright uncomfortably AWKWAARD! I now feel I can relate a little with how a amnesiac feels who has come face to face with his past and can't remember anything. Emphasis on little. 

disappointment.

So, just a couple of weeks ago I learned that some of the Micah Boys were coming to the United States, to THE Stl just to clarify. They were not just any Micah Boys. Two of them are my closest guy friends. The third like my little brother. I have not seen these guys in two years and have had only facebook and numerous phone calls to keep in contact with them. Let me tell you...I was ecstatic, a little nervous as well. I mean I have not seen these guys in forever. I KNOW I have changed on the inside and out. That date that I was going to get to see them was circled on every calendar that I had, every person that I came in contact with I told, even my roommate was going to come with me to see them. She was excited for me because she knew how much I missed them. Then one day, I got a text. "They are not coming anymore. Couldn't get their VISA's". Disappointment warped my heart. In response, I did what I usually do when I'm upset. I buried it. I was in the middle of one hell of a week with school so I just pushed it out and concentrated on school. A day later, one of the people that I consider my "sister" called me. I knew what she wanted to talk about. You see, they were not ALL not coming. The one, my little brother, was. My two best guy friends were not. My "sister" was really close to the one that was. So, as I answered the phone I felt myself feeling mad, agitated, annoyed. Mad that she would call me to talk about it when she knew that my guy friends were not coming. Agitated just because. And annoyed of how inconsiderate she was of my feelings. I than stopped myself. If I was a user of the F word (which I am not) I would definitely used it right then and there. What the Heck! I have no right to feel this. Who am I to be annoyed with her happiness!? If I was in her position, I would be feeling the same way. The reality of my selfishness wrapped itself around my brain. Man, am I selfish! I feel that I forget how sinful I really am and how undeserving I am of God's love and grace. I appreciate these little slaps of reality. Bitter/Sweet appreciation that is. So, I guess you could say as sad as I am that my friends are not coming, God has used this...I found out something.

I am selfish. really really really selfish.

Roommates.

 

Soooo, I am just going to say right off that you should be jealous of me. No, not because I have a amazingly beautiful physique OR because I have a gorgeous red ferrari in my driveway (none of which are true...well at least the ferrari anyways. ;) ) No, you should be jealous of me because I have absolutely awesome roommates. Awesome does not really cut what I mean though. I am going to go with "Schamzy" ( a k-kountry word that means way cooler then anything that has been dubbed cool). Now, you may have great roommates as well, but I am the only one who is blessed to live with THESE 3 ladies. 

Anyways, I live with 3 girls in a cute little house that we have dubbed "The Villa". For being so completely opposite, we blend really well together. The clean, early nighters are upstairs and the messy, late nighters are downstairs (I go with the messy category). We all really only see each each other at night...mostly in the kitchen (the fact being that we all have the same stomach timers announcing that it is time to eat). However, somehow we manage to do everything together. So as you can see from the pictures upstairs, we have fun. I love them and I would say that they are considered my best friends in college.

Name Calling and Pointless Accusations

I am a Christian. 

I voted for Obama. 

Yes, I said it. I have my reasons just like you have your reasons to vote for whomever you voted for. When people find out that I have voted for Obama, I get all kinds of things thrown at me. I get "if you are Christian girl, you should not have voted for Obama" or "Your driving this nation into a socialist economy". BLAAAA! STOP! Do NOT even try to guilt trip me. My friend showed me this article written by Roxanne Wieman in Relevant Magazine. It was so good that I am inserting a portion of it here...

" Yes, we voted. But it's more than that. Through this election, we've become aware of the major social issues of our day. And now we want to do something about them. We recognize an elction will not change everything. We do not rest our hopes for change on a political party or candidate. We vote, we hope, but we don't stop there. Tomorrow and the next day and the next and in January when Obama takes office, we get up and we continue our sojourn to follow Jesus. We live our votes for life, for justice, for peace, for equality.

We comfort our friend who tells us she's considering abortion. Then we gently tell her why we believe life in the womb is precious. We help her find alternative options...and we stick by her side all through the pregnancy and birth and after. She is not a statistic or a faceless evil to us.

We love beyond racial, gender and sexual lines. We reject stereotypes. We embrace individuals. We work for reconciliation.

We do not talk about "that side of town," we live there and work there and mentor there. We are a part of educational reform, and ESL, and rehabilitation.

We recycle. We reduce our imprint. We consciously make our purchases, recognizing the global implications. We strive to 'live simply that others may simply live' (Ghandi).

We personally pray for our soldiers in Iraq, for the citizens of Iraq, for our leaders who are making tough decisions that affect millions of lives. We really do pray, and we believe our prayers matter.

We continue to work hard in the jobs God has given us, saving our money and stewarding our resources. We tithe. We donate. We volunteer.

We continually challenge each other to deepen our understanding of whole life ethics and Jesus' call to follow Him.

I believe this is who WE are. I believe this is who YOU are. I believe we can be the change we've voted for-- no matter who we voted for."

I really suggest that you share this with others and maybe even check out the relevant magazine website: www.relevantmagazine.com

steppin to the bad side.

For those who don't know me, I am THAT girl who wears bows in her hair and loves to wear bright colors and have heart earrings dangling from her ears. If I was to be classified under a term, I would be labeled "cute". I've heard every single compliment ending with the word. Because the word is applied to me so much, I decided to look the word up and it is defined as this:

Cute: Attractive in a pretty or endearing way..ex: a "cute" kitten

Okay so it is not that bad. Until you get to the example...cute kitten. I am labeled right along with a kitten. or a toddler wearing a bumble bee costume. or something small and "endearing". Ummmm... yeah not so much diggin the word now. 

So for holloween, with the excuse to be anything that I am not, I dressed up as the opposite of me. The dark, mean side. 

I scared alot of people. :) However, I absolutely loved it! I got to be somebody that people did not label as cute. I even got the term "sexy". HOW that is sexy I do not even know... For a night, in a weird creepy sort of way, I felt like a woman. Now, do not worry. I am not going to be starting this kind of trend any time soon. I only write this to make a point. How come it took wearing all black clothing and a spike earring to get different compliments? Being called cute scars my being able to see myself as a woman. I mean do not get me wrong, cute is still a compliment for me. However, there is also "Beautiful" or "Stunning". Maybe mix the pot up a little and try one of those. For, I am no longer "cute". 

I am a young woman and b e a u t i f u l I am. 

doing the dirty dirty

I feel like my entire body is saturated with dirt. Oh not outside dirt, but the kind of dirt that is on the inside weighing the heart down. There are two known factors that contribute to this not so fun feeling.

 1. My neighbor has been having sex all day, which I can hear through the door that connects my room to hers. I can hear E V E R Y T H I N G. I am so weary of anything sexual and I feel so violated. ew. 

2. I feel like I have failed in all things. School. Relationships. my faith. 

The only antidote is the Lord. However, I feel like I am not ready to get rid of this dirt. Insane right? Its going to be a process to feel like I'm on top of the world again. With everything. Blaaaa Processes suck!!!!!