changes of the heart.

So January has started off really well. Just a few days ago I got back from Denver, Colorado where I attended a Conference that is affiliated with Campus Crusade for Christ. It was there that God broke me. We were asked to make a list of all the things that we wanted God to do that week. I wrote this down...

1. to forgive one of my friends (who remains unnamed)

2. to figure out what I'm doing with school

3. to break my selfish heart

It seems like it is alot, but you know what IS alot to God. So my main focus was on #1 of the list. I went to 2 seminars that I actually felt like were written specifically for me. The 1st one was a seminar on forgiveness. In there, the speaker gave us a step by step way to forgive someone. I was pumped. I went to Starbucks and sat down with my journal ready to forgive this person. I started to do the steps. As I started to uncover all the dislike and "hate" (i know I did not hate this person) that I had buried a long time ago, the want to forgive started to slide away. I couldnt do it. I returned to the hotel discouraged. Later that week, I got breakfast with 2 of my mentors. I told them what was happening and how annoyed i was with myself for not being able to forgive this person once and for all. Then the bomb hit. They said that I also need to ask for his forgiveness as well. I set standards over him that were not mine to set. That was God's area of expertise. Yeaaahhh....talk about bombshell...I wanted to run...and fast. The last day of DCC I set my eyes forward and went to Starbucks again. (I think that God performs miracles in Starbucks btw...think about all the talks you have had). God changed my heart as I sat there writing. I was able to forgive AND to write him a letter asking for his forgiveness. Yeah that was TOTALLY the Lord because I can definitely tell you that I am not capable of changing my heart enough to forgive him, let alone write him a letter. The glorious feeling of freedom is absolutely numbing. Seriously, my face went numb and tingly...no lie. So check one for #1 on the list. Go GOD! 

The second one now...(I also apologize for how long this is going to be).  School. EW. Recently I have been really unsettled. I just do not know why I am in school. I am a Middle School education major. I do not know why I am because I do not want to be a classroom teacher or a teacher for that matter. I know that I am going to be in ministry because that is what I have a heart for. I love to help people in their faith. I love to give advice. I love to share the word of the Lord. I have been planning on going overseas (and I say planning because God has not given me a clear no yet) as soon as I graduate. However, what am I going to graduate with? I know what I am doing, I just do not know how to get there. I was talking to one of my friends who is now studying abroad in Mexico with my roommate, Becca, and she mentioned the idea of majoring in Spanish. That would be a great idea! I love spanish. I love the culture and I know that I probably will work in a Spanish setting. Who knows. So, right now I am trying to figure out if I want to drop my education major and take Spanish on. Although I dont have a clear answer, I am more clear on the subject then I was before. Go God!

Now, for the selfish part. Lets just say that God answered that area and more...I am not going to go into it that much.

All in all, the beginning of enero has been a wonderful start. What better way to start than by really dwelling in the Lord? 

See you later Becs!

My roommate Rebecca Breanne Hughes has left the country and is now headed to Mexico for 6 months to study. I miss YOU my little otter lover!!! Life is going to be so different now. I wonder....

update on awkward post.

Just to add...that girl that I had the awkward moment with 2 posts down...yeah found out that she is dating one of my friends from high school. Does that make it more awkward?

Conquer. Fight. Win!!!

It is 3:39 A.M in the morning. All normal people are sleeping. Instead of feeling tired, I feel like I can conquer. That I can go out and fight for the Lord and WIN for the Lord. I can win as a woman. A woman. woah. I just called myself a woman. 

                           I am a woman!!! fighting for the Lord!!!

How completely scary and intimidating does that sound? 

I feel that I have finally found myself as a woman of God.

Such a glorious feeling. Such a UNUSUAL, glorious feeling that I am afraid of going to sleep. Will it fade away? 

Oh the joy of Christmas!

I am one of those people who, the day after Thanksgiving, scurries out of bed to turn on Christmas music. I dance around my room for hours, gayly singing and giggling and just being in the pure joy of the moment. Christmas is such a beautiful time of year! There is hot chocolate, snow, festive movies, jingle bells, warm cookies, ice skating, twinkly lights, bright eyes, snuggling by the fire. I feel that everything, even the most mundane of tasks, seems sunnier and happier at Christmas time. well, not everything. Finals still stink. :) HOWEVER, so many wonderful, glorious things have happened in these last few weeks of December. I feel that God has shown Himself this month a numerous amount of times whether it is from the simple things like the pine smell of Christmas trees to my awesome friends. Here are some main hits of awesomeness that has occured:

1. Finance. Fact: I was failing this class. I had to get a 82% on the final in order to pass. You might as well have told me that I needed to lasso the moon and pull it down. (yes, reference to It's a Wonderful Life). Thus, causing me to stress beyond belief. Anyways, so one of my friends, Max Anderson, asked me to go see the Mannheim Steamrollers play at Jesse with his family. Now, I know what most of you are thinking. It was not a date. It was a friend date! He knew how much I enjoyed Christmas music and thought of me! You may now go AWWWWWW. God acted through my friend Max. He gave me a break and a stress reliever. He gave me the joy of knowing how great my friends are. So, that was simply enjoyable. 

2. Finance. Fact Repeat: I was failing this class. I had to get a 82% on the final in order to pass. I studied SOOOO hard and prayed even harder! I went and I took the test. I thought i did AWFUL! So awful that I thought I was definitely going to have to take the class over. Well, I decided to check my grade. Guess what I got. A 82!!!!!!! I got a EXACT 82%!!! How good is God??? I have no doubt that that was a God moment. That DEFINITELY was not me. 

3. Me and my roommates enjoyed a daily rock out to Christmas music. Our favorite song is "All I Want for Christmas is You". 

4. One night, me and a handful of my friends went to Kansas City and ice skated. I got to catch up with everyone whom I have not seen in forever. (see picture up above)

I have had so many great laughs this month. The kind of laugh that echoes throughout corridors of the whole town. Belly shaken, breathe gasping, tears rolling, laugh. Christmas! :) I hope that you guys have had such a glorious month and that God has made you laugh and smile as he has me. So, I know this end is pretty fuzzy, but you see I am watching The Producers as I write this so currently I am watching the part of the "Be Gay". Interesting. BUT ANYWAYS, MERRY CHRISTMAS!! Celebrate the birth of our Lord Jesus Christ! 

AWWKKWAARDD!!

So, I am a awkward person. No, I do not have a awkward gait or anything like that. Really, somehow, situations situate themselves around me resulting in a "awkward moment". I do not know HOW they do it or WHY it happens so often to me. I just accept it as part of my awesome self. Okay so I guess I'll update you on some really AWKWARD situations that have occurred with me in the recent past. Today for example. My iPod broke and so I had to go painfully replace the money sucker thing. I'm at the store and I notice the greeter girl staring at me and doing the I-Know-You look. I thought maybe she was just critiquing my ragged attire (I was grass stained, clorox scented, and leafy. Not to mention that my hair was sticking out this way and that. eh,Whats new...) So, I kept on looking down, playing with those awesome earphone, and then i would look up. There she was. Staring away. She even did the smile thing. Well, I did not want to be rude and I went up to her and asked "Do you know me or something?" OF COURSE she did. She knew my name too. First AND Last. Apparently, we danced together my freshman year. Okay, first of all...HOW THE HECK DOES SHE STILL REMEMBER ME???!!! I do and did not remember one single person in that class. I did not even have a spark of recognition to who she was or how I knew her. It was a really awkward conversation. She told me about what was going on with people whose names I did not remember. I just acted like I did. Then, she said that we should catch up sometime. That took me aback. I honestly just did not remember her. Did we have a friendship? I do not even remember creating a single friendship in that cold, mirrored room (it was cold...always cold). It was just a little crazy portion of my life that I just blocked out. I said of course because it is not like I could be like "Weeellll, I don't know. I do not really want to bring up my past again so I am going to have to say no. Sorry!" Man, that was just awkward. Downright uncomfortably AWKWAARD! I now feel I can relate a little with how a amnesiac feels who has come face to face with his past and can't remember anything. Emphasis on little. 

disappointment.

So, just a couple of weeks ago I learned that some of the Micah Boys were coming to the United States, to THE Stl just to clarify. They were not just any Micah Boys. Two of them are my closest guy friends. The third like my little brother. I have not seen these guys in two years and have had only facebook and numerous phone calls to keep in contact with them. Let me tell you...I was ecstatic, a little nervous as well. I mean I have not seen these guys in forever. I KNOW I have changed on the inside and out. That date that I was going to get to see them was circled on every calendar that I had, every person that I came in contact with I told, even my roommate was going to come with me to see them. She was excited for me because she knew how much I missed them. Then one day, I got a text. "They are not coming anymore. Couldn't get their VISA's". Disappointment warped my heart. In response, I did what I usually do when I'm upset. I buried it. I was in the middle of one hell of a week with school so I just pushed it out and concentrated on school. A day later, one of the people that I consider my "sister" called me. I knew what she wanted to talk about. You see, they were not ALL not coming. The one, my little brother, was. My two best guy friends were not. My "sister" was really close to the one that was. So, as I answered the phone I felt myself feeling mad, agitated, annoyed. Mad that she would call me to talk about it when she knew that my guy friends were not coming. Agitated just because. And annoyed of how inconsiderate she was of my feelings. I than stopped myself. If I was a user of the F word (which I am not) I would definitely used it right then and there. What the Heck! I have no right to feel this. Who am I to be annoyed with her happiness!? If I was in her position, I would be feeling the same way. The reality of my selfishness wrapped itself around my brain. Man, am I selfish! I feel that I forget how sinful I really am and how undeserving I am of God's love and grace. I appreciate these little slaps of reality. Bitter/Sweet appreciation that is. So, I guess you could say as sad as I am that my friends are not coming, God has used this...I found out something.

I am selfish. really really really selfish.